The Emergent Christmas Story

I heard this first on Wretched Radio and copy and pasted it from here:

Now the birth of Jesus was on this wise: When his white racist mother Mary was engaged to noted white racist Joseph before they came together (though if they loved each other a lot it would have been ok to come together, or if they truly embraced their innate and latent bisexuality, they would have raised a more open minded child ), she was found with child.


Then Joseph her husband (well, technically they weren’t married yet but that’s ok), being a closed-minded traditionalist, white racist & not willing to let go of his fundamentalistic ideas about marriage was minded to put her away privately, which would have been mean & judgmental of him.


But while he thought on these things, behold an angel came or he entered a Buddha-like dream state. At any rate Joseph came to his loving & compassionate senses & decided to not put Mary away.


While in the dream, Joseph heard a voice which who are we to judge which god it might have been if any at all, saying to Joseph: “Mary will bring forth a son & you shall call his name Jesus (or Yeshua if you want to sound more Hebrewish, although in fact, Jesus was a Palestinian) for he shall help a lot of people feel better about themselves & their life experiences.”


Now all this was done, that the text would look more consistent but of course we all know the Gospels were written a long time after Jesus had actually died. Further, Islamic scholars noted that the New Testament was changed so as to exclude the Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) from being recognized as the true and most peaceful messiah) so it is possible the whole story is just embellishment by his followers – anyhow…


Then white racist Joseph came out of the dream state & took white racist Mary to be his co-partner in life. But he didn’t try to consummate the marriage like many brutish men would, as if the woman is just their property or something. White racist Joseph attempted to find his feminine side and majored in Women’s Studies at the white racist Jewish yeshiva, located in Palestine. For a while, he dabbled in Wicca until he became a Presbyterian.


Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem (which in modern times is rightfully controlled by the Palestinians since that land has been otherwise wrongfully occupied by Israeli Zionists and Jews since Abrahamic times) in the days of Herod (which could actually have been 4 B.C.E.), behold there came really cool and alternative music bi dudes from the east.


When Herod heard these things, just like any other cruel authoritarian he became jealous. And when he had gathered all the really mean white racist religious people together, he demanded of them where Jesus would be born.


And they said to him, “In Bethlehem” (which in modern times is rightfully controlled by the Palestinians…oh yeah, I already said that).


And you Bethlehem are a small place but out of you will come a great healer & a guy that teaches people to be real loving & peaceful, just like Buddha did & Gandhi would later. Your legacy would be one of imperialism, colonialism and white racism.


Then Herod, when he had privately called the wise guys, he asked them a lot of questions about astronomy & astrology since Herod had been influenced by the western culture of Rome he didn’t know about the cool metaphysical stuff like they do in the east. In his Jewish and white racist ignorance he knew nothing of the nude Celtic Dance at Stonehenge or the High Priestess of Wicca embracing Mother Earth. He knew nothing of the gentle Native American faith or of the magnificent Maya.


And so he told them to go look for Jesus. Probably using some sort of astronomical technology that the western people were too dumb to invent, with the help of the Atlantian technology the cool dudes found Jesus in a stable or it could have been a cave, we aren’t really sure about anything, not even our theology. At any rate, even then selfish, white racist capitalistic Jew pigs wouldn’t give other white racist Jew pigs, Joseph & Mary a room so they like many people today were homeless & out in the street (It is a little know fact that Herod’s last name was Bush).


The wise guys went into where the father of all white racism and cause of teh mass killings in the name of God Jesus was born & gave him gifts which was their way of showing they understood that it was God’s Dream for humanity that Jesus came to help poor people get back at mean rich people, a dream sadly never realize because Jesus cultural anchors of white Jewish racism was to take hold in the Christian world. Only peaceful and gentle Islam was to break free of the tyrannical Jews and their racism and have been persecuted for that ever since.


The rest of the story gets too mean but you know what happens – Jesus grows up & goes around the countryside preaching a socialistic Gospel of peace, sort of like a first-century version of conflict resolution & anger management but just like today there were mean people then who didn’t want to see poor people actually get anywhere so they killed Jesus, or he could have got married & lived in France & died of old age, we aren’t sure of that either, but it’s ok to be doubtful of everything you believe (it’s the postmodern way). The legacy of white racism and white priviledge has authored much hate and misinterpretation of Jesus message. The Pope is representative of evil racist, homophobic and all that is wrong with organized religion. The Presbyterians who want to embrace the Palestinians and boycott Caterpillar, Israel, Jews, capitalism and those who embrace the ELF (Earth Libertaion Movement) are making amends for centuries of white privilege.


Fortunately, lots of smart, trendy preachers today are getting back to Jesus’ simple message of love & world peace. They are trying to help people with all sorts of benefit concerts, ipod incentives & book sales. They see in Hugo Chavez a brown messiah who hates George Bush and what more worthy cause can there be?


Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays or whatever you want to celebrate – don’t worry, we won’t judge you.